Poems from a shattered heart

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So I was given an assignment in my American Lit class to write 4 pages of a short story or poetry. Somehow I’ve ended up writing poetry for the first time since high school and I’m saddened to report that they’re ALL about the divorce. *sigh* Just when you think you’re moving past your subconscious pulls you back in.

Does anyone else write poetry to help with their feelings?

Bright eyes

Chasing stormy skies

I’m only me

 

Quiet and shy

Seeking a love that lets me fly

I’m only me

 

Bruised and broken

Left with strength as my token

I’m only me

 

You brought me down

I put on that gown

I wasn’t me

 

Your lies caught up to you

Can’t believe what you put me through

Now it’s only me

And I am FREE

 

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I’m sorry it’s too late

 

Too many tears

My worst fears

Not enough years

 

You did it to me

You did it to us

Sorry baby but I still hate you

 

They’re gone from my arms

Never my heart

Wish it had been you

To forever depart

 

Stuck in my heard

Awake and sleeping

You haunt me even when I’m dreaming

 

Want to move on

Out of the past

Can’t seem to let go

I don’t want to want you anymore

 

Take your memories

Take your pain

You already took me

 

***************************************************

 

Do you rip wings off of butterflies

Or just break hearts along your path of

Destruction?

 

Was my head hidden in the clouds

Or did you just deceive me with your

Charm?

 

Did you expect me to follow

Or just pretend you aren’t a

Danger?

 

Where did you learn to separate your soul

Or did you forget to believe in

Redemption?

 

***************************************************

Grab my attention with that silly grin

Pulling me down

Drawing me in

 

Left my life in this town

Twist and spin

I’m in a gown

 

Days spent dreaming

Not who you pretended to be

To be left alone and careening

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Aside

Today would have been my 4th anniversary. Know the weird thing? I’m actually okay today. I spent this day last year a hot mess, crying, avoiding people, and just generally being miserable. Today I kicked ass at my nursing skills practice, laughed with friends and now I’m about to sit and study. I truly could not ask for a better life and today just makes me even more grateful my past is behind me.

When I was 22…

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stranger than fiction

I suppose that I should let the world know why I’m here and hurting; why the way I am the way I am now…

When I was 22 I was delusional. I was a full time student, lived at home, had a car mommy and daddy paid for, a best friend I spent all my time with and a dream of marrying a handsome man who would sweep me off my feet.

I met Patrick May of 2009 while I was in school as a Pharmacy Tech. We met online and I instantly was drawn to him. Marine, single, devoted father, handsome, sweet, charismatic and silly. He had all of the things I thought I wanted. He made me feel special and wanted and living in a home with a family you feel invisible with it was perfect. We talked for a few weeks and finally met and he was even better, just a little short. But a few weeks into our relationship he dropped the bomb… transfer. He was being restationed across the country in Pensacola, Florida, 2000 miles away. Worse yet, his ex wife would be just 30 minutes from there in her home town. We were devastated but vowed to try. So later after he left and I got a phone call that he was buying me a plane ticket to see him I was excited. It was 1 way…

I graduated school in August and boarded a plane the next morning to go on the biggest adventure I had embarked on. The moment I landed my entire life changed. I was greeted by my loving boyfriend Patrick, as well as his 3 kids; Eithan (6), Ayden (5), Jayce (2 1/2). Can you say instant mom? I settled in that night and woke up the next morning to Patrick leaving for work at 4am and me taking care of 3 kids I’d only ever spent a week with. I was out of my mind! Yep, it was called love.

Life was bliss for awhile until the first time he started acting weird. He was distant, standoffish, avoided me, and kept his phone with him at all times. Thinking this was weird I finally got up the courage and dropped my morals enough to snoop and what I found had me in tears… several dating sites with messages back and forth and emails. I lost it and freaked out on him to the point where he deleted everything and it stopped for several months. And then it started again… and again… and again… and again… Don’t ask me why I never left because I’m not completely sure. Maybe I just didn’t want to go home with my tail between my legs, I didn’t want to leave the kids, or I was truly just in denial. And to make matters worse I had to deal with the ex wife from hell, but that’s another story. Short cut to later, my idiotic self caught him, again, on a dating site and actually packed to leave and somehow we ended up married and were blissfully happy for a short time. What an idiot I was.

Obviously now I just sound like a sad, desperate little girl, and oh how I wish I had stayed in that blissful place after getting married. Instead who I thought was my squared away, exceptional Marine, great father and doting husband went off to South Carolina to teach and ended up with a DUI… after being at a strip club. Awesome! In the meantime myself and the 3 kids headed to California to visit family and he was to meet up with us. Unbeknownst to me he is sent back to our home base in Florida and told by his command that he won’t be joining the kids and I in California. What does he do you ask? He calls his ex wife to vent to and ends up having sex with her! But wait, that’s not the worst part…

On Monday, June 27, 2011 my world shattered. I was woken up that morning by my ex’s Captain asking me if there was anything that he could do. Not knowing what was going on I politely asked the Captain to let my husband come to California. He then cleared his throat and awkwardly said “Mrs. Quick, I don’t think you understand. Your husband was arrested last night for trying to having sex with a minor. He’s currently in jail.” I’m fairly certain I quit breathing but I have no idea what the rest of our conversation was. The next thing I know my little sister, big sister and one of my closest friends are over trying to console me as I sob uncontrollably. It was all over the internet and my best friend all the way out in Georgia even saw the headlines.

http://www.northescambia.com/2011/06/breaking-two-dozen-men-arrested-during-child-sex-sting

http://www.fox10tv.com/news/sex-sting-nabs-25-in-florida-panhandle

**Yes I realize it may look bad posting the new links but don’t look if you are offended. These stories are just a few that broke and are about as a reminder and a warning to people. I want people who find this hard to believe to be able to confirm everything I write if they feel the need**

To be honest I don’t remember much of what happened after that phone call. It’s all whirlwind… Bits and pieces come back though– moving my stuff home, going to the jail to see him, dealing with his family and his ex, moving the kids in with his parents. My mind has blocked most of that period of my life out though to keep it safe. All I know if my life changed with just a phone call. All of my happiness, bliss, love, hopes, and dreams were shattered in that moment. This new life I’ve created since is my testament to myself and the strength I have. I try not to look back but not a day goes by that I’m not reminded in some way that life is not what you make it but in fact made by those are you. Every day is a struggle and I am still working through the pain and issues that one man caused. I just hope talking will allow me to heal.

NEW Happy Ending

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So within the span of a few days 3 of the people that I value the opinion of the most told me I’m not doing well. What does that mean you ask… I am apparently looking to be ready to spiral into a depression again and had no idea.

It started with me telling my baby sister that my ex is now engaged. Obviously I got upset and when I started to cry and she said I just needed to move on I couldn’t explain that I thought I had. She decided then to tell me she’s noticed I’ve changed the last little while and not for the better. I’ve apparently become a very angry person, yelling at others, snapping at people for no reason, and just overall difficult to live with. I’m withdrawn and want nothing to do with the family and have quit doing the things I enjoy most. Well, last night at Girls Night I told the other 2 women that care about me most and they said the same thing. I’ve stopped talking to and hanging out with my friends, I’ve been eating more, I have been posting less positive messages on Facebook and Pinterest and they can tell. All 3 feel it’s time to go back on my meds… *SIGH*

I suppose the reason I never noticed things myself is that I’m in denial. I figure if I can survive my Lifetime movie worthy divorce that I can survive anything. WRONG! I apparently haven’t actually dealt with the divorce and just swallowed things inside. Well, it’s time to deal and time to talk openly about what I went through and what I’m going through. I need to move on. My ex has moved onto his next poor victim (he can’t be alone), and it’s my turn to let myself move on and heal. I deserve it and I’m going to have it.

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New Year, Old Hurts

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Well, he did it– my ex proposed to his gf/new fiance. I on the other hand cannot meet anyone that I can tolerate for more than a month. Every man that comes into my life I either immediately run away from or he cheats and leaves. After 2 1/2 years of being apart I just wish that I was healed more. My ex is the one that cheated, went to jail, broke up our marriage, and has kept my step kids from me, and yet he’s the one that gets to be happy and play house. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m trying to stay positive and remember that he’s the type of person that has to have someone or he feels inadequate and that I’m stronger for being alone, but it’s really not working today. I just want a damn hug and a kiss on the forehead from someone who gives two shits about me.

Rainy mood

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It’s raining… maybe that’s why I’ve been so gloomy the last few days. I fell like there is a brick sitting on my chest and I can hardly breathe. The insomnia I haven’t dealt with in the better part of a year is back too. All I want to do is hide out in my room and ignore the world. Problem is, I’M IN NURSING SCHOOL. There’s no such thing as time, and especially no such thing as wallowing.

I think I can trace the gloom and doom thoughts back to Veteran’s Day. My now ex husband’s ex wife called me. Now remember, this woman and I are NOT friends. She slept with my husband, said horrible things to the kids and made my life a living hell. Well, she called for help of all things! She hasn’t seen her kids (my ex-step) in 3 years now and wants them for the holidays and thought I would help her get them. News flash lady, I don’t like you! Well, I ended up calling my ex to see what the heck was going on and why I was being brought into all of the drama that I’d happily left behind. As per his usual, he was short, rude, and just overall not pleasant to be on the phone with. So much for him growing up since our last phone call in February.

Now a week and a half later though all I can focus on is the rage, pain, sadness and heartache that I thought I had dealt with in regards to him. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times this week than in the last year. I just want to go back to not being hurt by him anymore and move on. I can’t focus and I just can’t afford that right now. I guess that’s why I’m back on here; in hopes that “talking” about it will help me move on. I just want to be happy. I think after everything that I’ve been through that I’ve earned it. The ex certainly gets to have his cake and eat it too. I think it’s my turn. I’m out in the world trying to make my way through everything and yet I feel just as lost and alone as the day I left. Probably more so to be honest. At least I have my schooling. I just hope that after graduation I don’t become a crazy work-a-holic/cat lady to cope.

**sigh** Enough procrastination… I have studying and papers that won’t complete themselves.

And so it begins…

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I’ve been thinking about creating a blog since the moment after I realized I was really getting divorced. That was 2 years ago. I keep putting it off and claiming that life is too busy but I think it’s finally time to release all of the crazy frustrations, anger, pain, sorry, and so many other emotions I can’t quite comprehend yet.

It’s been 2 years now that I finally left my now ex husband and I can’t imagine going back. I may be 26, divorced, no kids and no love interest by I am also 26, happily divorced, a full time nursing student, work part time running a construction company and I love my life. I’m blessed in the friends that stuck by me through all of my ups and downs, I have an amazing family, a bright future and finally a grasp on who I am, what I want, and who I deserve.

This blog is going to be my outlet to the crazy 2 years of nursing school ahead and my relief on still being alone at 26. I’m in a crazy place in my life and can’t wait to see where life takes me. Come join me on my journey…