Letting go

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3:1:1

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Finally back to school today. I only had 4 days off but it felt far longer. I can’t believe how much I missed school. For all that I slept maybe 3 hours last night I couldn’t wait to go to school today.

I missed my friends. I missed my routine. I even missed driving in my car (it’s quiet unlike my house). But the best part was getting to wear my scrubs for the first time!!! I officially feel like a nursing student. I may have already been in school for 6 months but somehow it feels more real now.

But now I’m off to bed because I have to be up early again. I love my life!

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Healing

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Tonight I said a prayer. I said a prayer to thank God for my many blessing. I said a prayer to watch over three beautiful souls who will never be far from my heart. And shocking to myself, I said a prayer tonight for my ex husbands new fiancé. I prayed that she has the strength to survive him. I prayed that maybe, against all odds he won’t hurt her, lie to her, cheat on her, break her, the way he did me. I prayed that she would love those three beautiful babies I’ll never see again and continue to make them wonderful people. I prayed that if the bottom of her world falls out that she has someone to turn to. But most of all, prayed that I could move on. I feel selfish praying for myself to heal.

Tomorrow I start my first day of my third quarter in nursing school. Inside I’m half terrified of the future and the unknown and the other half of me is in awe that I’m actually making progress. The last few years have left me broken and it’s always amazing to see how far I’ve come. I don’t think I stop enough to appreciate who I am. I need to work on that.

It’s sort of surreal to sit back and think that I am 6 months into my 2 year nursing program. Time is flying by. I am so truly blessed by the people and opportunities in my life. I have a very select group of amazing friends who have seen me through my darkest hours, new friends who are helping me grow, and a family who supports me in everything, both emotionally and financially.

The Place; The Sunshine

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It’s finals week which automatically means STRESS! But to me, the stress and cramming, studying and yet more stress, just means that I am on my way to my future. Every struggle is a step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel; to sunshine in my beautiful future. I am on my way to the place I am meant to be. The place I am designing out of my own hard work. The place I’m working hard to get.

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When I was 22…

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stranger than fiction

I suppose that I should let the world know why I’m here and hurting; why the way I am the way I am now…

When I was 22 I was delusional. I was a full time student, lived at home, had a car mommy and daddy paid for, a best friend I spent all my time with and a dream of marrying a handsome man who would sweep me off my feet.

I met Patrick May of 2009 while I was in school as a Pharmacy Tech. We met online and I instantly was drawn to him. Marine, single, devoted father, handsome, sweet, charismatic and silly. He had all of the things I thought I wanted. He made me feel special and wanted and living in a home with a family you feel invisible with it was perfect. We talked for a few weeks and finally met and he was even better, just a little short. But a few weeks into our relationship he dropped the bomb… transfer. He was being restationed across the country in Pensacola, Florida, 2000 miles away. Worse yet, his ex wife would be just 30 minutes from there in her home town. We were devastated but vowed to try. So later after he left and I got a phone call that he was buying me a plane ticket to see him I was excited. It was 1 way…

I graduated school in August and boarded a plane the next morning to go on the biggest adventure I had embarked on. The moment I landed my entire life changed. I was greeted by my loving boyfriend Patrick, as well as his 3 kids; Eithan (6), Ayden (5), Jayce (2 1/2). Can you say instant mom? I settled in that night and woke up the next morning to Patrick leaving for work at 4am and me taking care of 3 kids I’d only ever spent a week with. I was out of my mind! Yep, it was called love.

Life was bliss for awhile until the first time he started acting weird. He was distant, standoffish, avoided me, and kept his phone with him at all times. Thinking this was weird I finally got up the courage and dropped my morals enough to snoop and what I found had me in tears… several dating sites with messages back and forth and emails. I lost it and freaked out on him to the point where he deleted everything and it stopped for several months. And then it started again… and again… and again… and again… Don’t ask me why I never left because I’m not completely sure. Maybe I just didn’t want to go home with my tail between my legs, I didn’t want to leave the kids, or I was truly just in denial. And to make matters worse I had to deal with the ex wife from hell, but that’s another story. Short cut to later, my idiotic self caught him, again, on a dating site and actually packed to leave and somehow we ended up married and were blissfully happy for a short time. What an idiot I was.

Obviously now I just sound like a sad, desperate little girl, and oh how I wish I had stayed in that blissful place after getting married. Instead who I thought was my squared away, exceptional Marine, great father and doting husband went off to South Carolina to teach and ended up with a DUI… after being at a strip club. Awesome! In the meantime myself and the 3 kids headed to California to visit family and he was to meet up with us. Unbeknownst to me he is sent back to our home base in Florida and told by his command that he won’t be joining the kids and I in California. What does he do you ask? He calls his ex wife to vent to and ends up having sex with her! But wait, that’s not the worst part…

On Monday, June 27, 2011 my world shattered. I was woken up that morning by my ex’s Captain asking me if there was anything that he could do. Not knowing what was going on I politely asked the Captain to let my husband come to California. He then cleared his throat and awkwardly said “Mrs. Quick, I don’t think you understand. Your husband was arrested last night for trying to having sex with a minor. He’s currently in jail.” I’m fairly certain I quit breathing but I have no idea what the rest of our conversation was. The next thing I know my little sister, big sister and one of my closest friends are over trying to console me as I sob uncontrollably. It was all over the internet and my best friend all the way out in Georgia even saw the headlines.

http://www.northescambia.com/2011/06/breaking-two-dozen-men-arrested-during-child-sex-sting

http://www.fox10tv.com/news/sex-sting-nabs-25-in-florida-panhandle

**Yes I realize it may look bad posting the new links but don’t look if you are offended. These stories are just a few that broke and are about as a reminder and a warning to people. I want people who find this hard to believe to be able to confirm everything I write if they feel the need**

To be honest I don’t remember much of what happened after that phone call. It’s all whirlwind… Bits and pieces come back though– moving my stuff home, going to the jail to see him, dealing with his family and his ex, moving the kids in with his parents. My mind has blocked most of that period of my life out though to keep it safe. All I know if my life changed with just a phone call. All of my happiness, bliss, love, hopes, and dreams were shattered in that moment. This new life I’ve created since is my testament to myself and the strength I have. I try not to look back but not a day goes by that I’m not reminded in some way that life is not what you make it but in fact made by those are you. Every day is a struggle and I am still working through the pain and issues that one man caused. I just hope talking will allow me to heal.

NEW Happy Ending

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So within the span of a few days 3 of the people that I value the opinion of the most told me I’m not doing well. What does that mean you ask… I am apparently looking to be ready to spiral into a depression again and had no idea.

It started with me telling my baby sister that my ex is now engaged. Obviously I got upset and when I started to cry and she said I just needed to move on I couldn’t explain that I thought I had. She decided then to tell me she’s noticed I’ve changed the last little while and not for the better. I’ve apparently become a very angry person, yelling at others, snapping at people for no reason, and just overall difficult to live with. I’m withdrawn and want nothing to do with the family and have quit doing the things I enjoy most. Well, last night at Girls Night I told the other 2 women that care about me most and they said the same thing. I’ve stopped talking to and hanging out with my friends, I’ve been eating more, I have been posting less positive messages on Facebook and Pinterest and they can tell. All 3 feel it’s time to go back on my meds… *SIGH*

I suppose the reason I never noticed things myself is that I’m in denial. I figure if I can survive my Lifetime movie worthy divorce that I can survive anything. WRONG! I apparently haven’t actually dealt with the divorce and just swallowed things inside. Well, it’s time to deal and time to talk openly about what I went through and what I’m going through. I need to move on. My ex has moved onto his next poor victim (he can’t be alone), and it’s my turn to let myself move on and heal. I deserve it and I’m going to have it.

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New Year, Old Hurts

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Well, he did it– my ex proposed to his gf/new fiance. I on the other hand cannot meet anyone that I can tolerate for more than a month. Every man that comes into my life I either immediately run away from or he cheats and leaves. After 2 1/2 years of being apart I just wish that I was healed more. My ex is the one that cheated, went to jail, broke up our marriage, and has kept my step kids from me, and yet he’s the one that gets to be happy and play house. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m trying to stay positive and remember that he’s the type of person that has to have someone or he feels inadequate and that I’m stronger for being alone, but it’s really not working today. I just want a damn hug and a kiss on the forehead from someone who gives two shits about me.