It’s raining… maybe that’s why I’ve been so gloomy the last few days. I fell like there is a brick sitting on my chest and I can hardly breathe. The insomnia I haven’t dealt with in the better part of a year is back too. All I want to do is hide out in my room and ignore the world. Problem is, I’M IN NURSING SCHOOL. There’s no such thing as time, and especially no such thing as wallowing.
I think I can trace the gloom and doom thoughts back to Veteran’s Day. My now ex husband’s ex wife called me. Now remember, this woman and I are NOT friends. She slept with my husband, said horrible things to the kids and made my life a living hell. Well, she called for help of all things! She hasn’t seen her kids (my ex-step) in 3 years now and wants them for the holidays and thought I would help her get them. News flash lady, I don’t like you! Well, I ended up calling my ex to see what the heck was going on and why I was being brought into all of the drama that I’d happily left behind. As per his usual, he was short, rude, and just overall not pleasant to be on the phone with. So much for him growing up since our last phone call in February.
Now a week and a half later though all I can focus on is the rage, pain, sadness and heartache that I thought I had dealt with in regards to him. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times this week than in the last year. I just want to go back to not being hurt by him anymore and move on. I can’t focus and I just can’t afford that right now. I guess that’s why I’m back on here; in hopes that “talking” about it will help me move on. I just want to be happy. I think after everything that I’ve been through that I’ve earned it. The ex certainly gets to have his cake and eat it too. I think it’s my turn. I’m out in the world trying to make my way through everything and yet I feel just as lost and alone as the day I left. Probably more so to be honest. At least I have my schooling. I just hope that after graduation I don’t become a crazy work-a-holic/cat lady to cope.
**sigh** Enough procrastination… I have studying and papers that won’t complete themselves.